Thursday, August 5, 2010

A ton of bricks

I have been ignoring the fact that my brother is dead. I kind of treat it like he never was here. I barely talk about him anymore. There is just a void where he use to be and i was trying to erase him because it hurt to much to remember him and miss him...I refused to name my boys after him..i refused to talk to my older kids about him...Somedays my mom tells them about him and they say Uncle Kyle in heaven..I think the thought of heaven should bring me peace but it doesnt. So i try not to ever think about him. My brother and I love music... LOVED some songs more than others...and everytime the song God Bless the USA would come on my brother would turn up the radio as loud as possable and belt out the lyrics...last week i turned on my car 4 different times and it was on...a week before my brother died we where listening to knocking on heavens door by guns and roses and i told him i liked the original better and he told me that was the original and we kind of had a little arguement about who was right.. This morning i was packing up my babies stuff to go on a trip..and they song by guns and roses came flesh filled with goosebumps and tears rolled down my face...i have tryed to be strong..i have tryed to forget..i have tryed not to break down because i feel like i should have moved on by now...But maybe i am not as strong as i seem.

1 comment:

danielle said...

You don't have to "move on." He's your brother and you will always miss him and love him dearly! I hope you can find a time when you can talk to your kids about him and spread his legacy.